What does self love really mean to me? What does it mean to you? In an ideal world this is how I would love myself: I wouldn’t care how much better looking others were. I wouldn’t care what society or others say about what I should look like. I would not criticize every inch of my body seeing something that could be better every time I looked at myself or in the mirror. I would not eat and despise myself for what I ate. Oh, and of course that the number on the weighing scale would not mean anything to me.
I wish I was writing this post because I have reached the ultimate level of self love. I wish I could say that I have found the formula for self love. But I don’t. I am still figuring things out. Trying and failing and trying again. And this is my journey I am openly sharing with you.
This where where I currently am on this journey – feeling like I’ve taken one step forward then 6 steps backwards. I was a couch potato, became a runner, learned about clean eating, got pregnant and everything was thrown out the window, after adjusting to motherhood and accepting that someone else’s life was in my hand I found and started blogilates. I did her 90 day challenge, reached my goal weight and had never been more fitter in my life! I couldn’t be happier with myself. Then…I guess I got too confident? Also, life happened and what people would say I “let myself go”. I still tried hanging in there but I would skip one too many workouts, and binge eat one too many times. I didn’t suddenly gain weight all at once like I’ve done before, but over the year it just all added up and I was back right where I started (weight wise).
That self love and happiness I felt slipped away with every kilo/pound I gained. But what made me sad was realizing that I only really loved myself when I was lighter and fitter. Now that I wasn’t as light and as fit, I feel like I am just disappointed in myself. I keep mentally kicking myself that I can’t stay consistent – consistent weight, consistent clean eating, consist in working towards my life goals. It’s so hard to love myself when I know that I can do better but keep failing each day – when it is my own doing that I am not at my ideal health or ideal place in life.
It just reminds me when we say not to compare our lives with what others share on instagram and facebook. It’s so true. Because all I share are my victories. The good days. The healthy food I eat. You wouldn’t know this side of me and my thoughts because it’s just not what people would normally share, right?
So yes. This has been my journey it seems my whole life when it comes to weight. I gain then lose then gain then lose again then gain again and now I’m trying to lose. Yes, I’m writing this because I’m trying to accept and love myself both in my ups and downs. The truth is I’m doing PIIT 28 and the 28 Day Reset to reach a certain goal weight. And as much as I want to say that weight doesn’t matter, I would be lying. I’ve been so scared to start my 3 months of PIIT because I’m scared that even though I may reach my goals, I will just revert back to my old ways.
What I really want is to just be happy with myself weather I am 10kgs ligther or 10kgs heavier.
I have my fears and I also have my hopes. Yes, I’ve said it. The number on the scale means more to me than I like. But I want to love myself wherever I am on my journey – whether I’m succeeding, failing or trying.
And that’s why there is this post. It’s not about how much I “despise” myself. It’s about where I want to be in terms of truly loving myself. After much thought about my journey and struggles so far, I have come up with what self love means to me and continue to strive to reach this level of self love.
This is where I want to be when it comes to loving myself:
- Loving who I am no matter where I am on my journey in fitness and life.
- Accepting my weakness and failures but also celebrating and focusing on my strengths and abilities.
- Forgiving myself and fighting to better myself.
- Being thankful for what I have.
- Realizing that where I am is not the end of the road. I can still make choices that will take me to where I want to be.
- Seeing the bigger picture – looking beyond the scale. I’m loving myself and I’m trying to get fit and healthy for my future self and to be there for my son and husband.
- Love myself for picking myself up and trying again when I fall.
- Seeing my body as something to love by taking care of it and seeing it as a vessel that gives me life and helps me do every day and extraordinary things.
I want to be an example to my son and future child/ren because I want them to love themselves and not go through the mental turmoil I put myself through. I want to inspire others and also be inspired by others – to let others know they are not the only one but to also know I’m not the only one struggling with self love.
Do you struggle with self love too? What does self love mean to you?